Tuesday, April 4, 2006

A Year

It's been a whole year.  A year ago right now, I was holding my children close praying that the Lord would allow me to do the same with the baby I was carrying.  It was a year ago that the Lord told me that she was never mine, always meant just for Him.  His words wrapped around me and gave me peace to endure the pain that was to come. 

Within the year so much has happened.  Most importantly our Creator chose to bless us again and,as I type,I cradle in my lap a beautiful five week old arrow of love.  She's absolutely perfect.  I wonder at the feel of her skin, the heaviness of her sleeping body, the sound of her grunting stretches.  My love and amazement for her cannot be explained with mere words.  I am so thankful that God chose to give her to us. 

The pain of never hearing our Anna cry, never having the chance to nurse her is still there, even in the midst for my joy for our Emily.  I think that this is okay.  Isn't it?  It isn't that I'm not thankful.  I'm still allowed to  wish I could have had her too, right?  Am I selfish? 

Am I allowed to think back and remember seeing her tiny lifeless body and wish she would have had more time?  Is it okay to remember my Anna while I cuddle my Emily?

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