Dirt is FUN!

Jonathan is ONE!!

Jonathan's first minute as a one year old.  As always, I treasure our midnight picture.  The first minute of their new age.  Well, Mr.  Jonathan had other plans at midnight.  He really, really thought it was a good time to nurse.  This is the first midnight picture I didn't take, but Daddy did a great job. 

He didn't know quite what to think of all of the hoopla.  Though he did know just what to do with the candle!

He didn't have any problems figuring out what to do with the cake, either!

Then it was time to get all cleaned up to open presents.  Being his first birthday, he didn't really anticipate the present thing and really thought that it was time for a nap.

It didn't take long, watching his brother and sisters, to realize just how fun opening presents really was.

Then, it was nap time ... for Momma!

Keeping Cool

To Train or Not to Train.

Invariably, the answer should always be to train.

Do you see that adorable little boy ... OK, big boy standing beside me? He has come such a long way in the self control department. I really am very proud of him. However. Yes, there is often a however.  However, the other day while we were in a store we don't frequent often his excitement very nearly completely robbed him of his self control and ability to act as a gentleman.  In momentary lapse of sanity he got so excited to see a giant M&M bowl that he shoved into me and the cart that contained his little brother (the other cutie up there).

I cleared my throat, which normally would have been enough to reel him back in, however in his state of high excitement he kept going,  I finally got his attention enough that his trance was broken from the colorful stand and he returned to me. 

Since I could tell that the apology mumbled out of his mouth wasn't exactly heartfelt, I decided that some practice time was needed.  He first practiced speaking politely with a nice tone of voice because Momma isn't fluent in Whinese or Mumblish.  Then, he practiced the gentlemanly art of yielding right of way with a gentlemanly heart.  I don't think it has ever taken me ten minutes to proceed down one aisle at a store without even looking at a single product before.  The ten minutes were definitely worth it, though.  If not just for me and my gentleman in training, for the little encouragement from the lady at the end of the aisle who offered a thumbs up and a wink. 

Two Years

Time is such a fickle thing.  It hardly seems like it has been two years since my body released the tiny body not yet knitted fully- it barely seems possible that it could have been two years since we as a family stood on that breezy, salty beach to release balloons to our precious Benjamin who was fully completed far before we.  In those two years my heart and head have had some pretty serious quarrels.

Since we said goodbye to the one that only I got to meet we've said goodbye to two other precious lives that only lasted barely a blink, so briefly that we didn't even get to name.  My heart cries out to remember- to honor these tiny little lives that never breathed this air yet were still created by our awesome God- still knit by the thread from within me and from within my Tommy- still had life course through them with the beat of a heart.  Parts of us they are, yet they they are whole and complete while we are still struggling to allow ourselves to be formed and molded awaiting our own completion.

Since those three goodbyes, we've had an amazing hello.  This little hello will be turning one in less than a month.  My mind grapples with this reality.  Maybe it was an emotional defense?  Maybe it was sinful untrust?  I'm not sure what it was but all through Jonathan's pregnancy I had myself convinced that I had been in sin to mourn our Anna and Benjamin so deeply.  I had convinced myself God had chosen for them to go Home so I was allowing myself to have temper tantrums by not fully accepting His decision. 

Maybe it was fear?  I was so afraid of losing yet another baby that I could not hold anywhere but within my womb that I convinced myself that if it were to happen again, that I would merely accept God's decision and not allow myself to act like an untrained toddler ...

I cannot believe that I let those thoughts course through my head and pull at my heart.  I still want to remember those precious lives- to celebrate them, even if that means allowing myself to cry, maybe even to allow myself to throw a dish or two.  I don't question God, for I know that He knows best and His will is far better than I could ever imagine.  I still thank Him from my very core for allowing me the chance to cradle those precious little lives if only it was from within.  I am so blessed that He chose me and me alone to hold them on this side of Heaven.

So, yes, last year this time I made myself completely ignore this day- this anniversary- out of fear that my temper tantrum would cause God to take Jonathan from me too.  Oh, how untrusting we can be.  I am ashamed to admit that, ashamed to admit that I would not remember a life God gave us just in hopes of selfishly clutching another life.  God is sovereign and He is perfect, but even Jesus wept so I guess He won't mind if I do too.