Time is such a fickle thing. It hardly seems like it has been two years since my body released the tiny body not yet knitted fully- it barely seems possible that it could have been two years since we as a family stood on that breezy, salty beach to release balloons to our precious Benjamin who was fully completed far before we. In those two years my heart and head have had some pretty serious quarrels.
Since we said goodbye to the one that only I got to meet we've said goodbye to two other precious lives that only lasted barely a blink, so briefly that we didn't even get to name. My heart cries out to remember- to honor these tiny little lives that never breathed this air yet were still created by our awesome God- still knit by the thread from within me and from within my Tommy- still had life course through them with the beat of a heart. Parts of us they are, yet they they are whole and complete while we are still struggling to allow ourselves to be formed and molded awaiting our own completion.
Since those three goodbyes, we've had an amazing hello. This little hello will be turning one in less than a month. My mind grapples with this reality. Maybe it was an emotional defense? Maybe it was sinful untrust? I'm not sure what it was but all through Jonathan's pregnancy I had myself convinced that I had been in sin to mourn our Anna and Benjamin so deeply. I had convinced myself God had chosen for them to go Home so I was allowing myself to have temper tantrums by not fully accepting His decision.
Maybe it was fear? I was so afraid of losing yet another baby that I could not hold anywhere but within my womb that I convinced myself that if it were to happen again, that I would merely accept God's decision and not allow myself to act like an untrained toddler ...
I cannot believe that I let those thoughts course through my head and pull at my heart. I still want to remember those precious lives- to celebrate them, even if that means allowing myself to cry, maybe even to allow myself to throw a dish or two. I don't question God, for I know that He knows best and His will is far better than I could ever imagine. I still thank Him from my very core for allowing me the chance to cradle those precious little lives if only it was from within. I am so blessed that He chose me and me alone to hold them on this side of Heaven.
So, yes, last year this time I made myself completely ignore this day- this anniversary- out of fear that my temper tantrum would cause God to take Jonathan from me too. Oh, how untrusting we can be. I am ashamed to admit that, ashamed to admit that I would not remember a life God gave us just in hopes of selfishly clutching another life. God is sovereign and He is perfect, but even Jesus wept so I guess He won't mind if I do too.