Little Big Girl

It's an interesting Sunday morning here. Yesterday I was driving down the road when our car started to shake violently for a split second. The violent shaking stopped almost as soon as it started, the car dipped to the right, and I heard a grounding noise. Something caught my eye out the passenger window.

That something, I quickly observed, was my tire. Rolling down somebody's drive way. Several good samaritans, a few bewildered police officers, and a knight of a father in law later we were back on the road. Going no more than 30 miles an hour. Home. And only home.

Last night my Tommy started to fix the tire only to have the jack collapse and fall on his foot. A friend came to the rescue with a bigger jack only to encounter about 300 other problems before my Tommy threw the towel in for the night and came in to cuddle sleepy-sad babies.

This morning our friend came back over so that he and my Tommy could finish in time for church.

I had everyone's clothes laid out and told the girls to go take a shower. I really only meant Abigail and Emily. Katherine saw them grab their clothes and head for the shower. She grinned a grin only a girl on a mission can grin and grabbed her pile of clothes as she ran (as much as a 19 month old can run) to catch up with her sisters.

She's our little big girl, every day joining a new big kid activity to leave her baby ones behind.

For 14 Weeks ...

For 14 weeks I was given the immense joy and pleasure of carrying a new life even while God Himself was busy knitting the new creation together. God chose me, and me alone, to hold this baby. I am so grateful that I was given this time with my creator and the baby that He gave me for such a short time.

Sunday I began spotting and Monday we went to the hospital. We were given an ultrasound after many hours of waiting. She moved the wand around and poked a lot of buttons but never said a word. Finally I asked if she had seen the baby, if there was a heart beat. She said that she wasn't able to tell me, that if she did she could have lost her job. I tried my hardest to hold it together but the tears came anyway.

She then turned the sound on and I thought I heard the baby's heartbeat so I was overjoyed. I saw the screen just a bit and was able to see the beautiful profile of a tiny little face. However, there were no little fists swishing by that tiny profile. I saw where the fluttering of a little heart should have been, yet there was only stillness.

I was hoping beyond hope that what I thought I saw and what I really saw were not the same. I kept thinking back to the swooshing heartbeat I heard and just waited for the doctor to come in with good news.

When she came in, there was no good news to be heard. The heartbeat I heard was my own. The tiny baby's heart had stopped beating at least a week ago.

I knew that this little one was already at the feet of Jesus and with our little Anna, yet I still held him within. I begged for her not to do a d&c. I know that it may sound bizarre and even a little morbid, but I longed to hold him within as long as God would allow.

My Tommy's parents allowed us use of their beach house as a retreat to lose our baby in privacy. After many hard hours he came this morning. I've never forgotten how beckoning Anna's tiny hands were. Benjamin's were just the same. So tiny, yet they looked like they were just waiting to curl around my finger even though they will never be given the chance. So tiny. So tiny, but so real.

My Tommy and I are so blessed to watch our living children grow and play, yet each new achievement, each new experience brings grief knowing we will never experience those new things with our tiny Benjamin. We'll never get to hear him cry, nor will we get to comfort that cry away.

Tomorrow we will bury him at sunset and we would covet your prayers.

Entertaining a Telemarketer

It went something like this:

RING. RING. RING.

Emily: Hi?
Pause.
Emily: Hi.
Pause.
Emily: You wanna tatoe?
Pause.
Emily (louder): YOU WANNA TATOE?
Pause and incredulous look on Emily's face.
Emily: Me already said it two times!



This is an old picture, however it's pretty much the face she was making at the telemarketer.

Clean Finners

The kids and I just shared an ice cream sandwich. I was the official holder, holding it while everyone took turns taking a bite. After the last bite had been taken, Emily said, "Mommy, me clean your finners for you!" then proceeded to open her mouth to "clean my finners."

Busted!

Today was to be a comfy day. There was nothing that had to be accomplished other than recover from being up with a baby with tummy troubles off and on all night. We all were content to stay in pj's, read and cuddle on the couch, and Abigail had some school work to catch up on. Lunch time came around and Daddy requested spaghetti with lots of garlic to get the baby nice and healthy. Daddy browned the meat, Abigail started to peel the garlic only to find the inside of it was moldy! That meant a quick trip to the store for Mommy ... you can't have sickies in the house and no garlic!

I really didn't want to get dressed. It was a dreary, windy day and I really wanted to stay in my pj pants and tshirt. So. I just pulled my skirt on over my party pants and traded my slippers for my Lands End ballet flats.

While at Safeway I got garlic, extra bell peppers, already browning bananas, a yogurt starter because mine had soured too much, and a bottle of Kefir. And. Yes, there is another and. And. And, well. Ahem. The bakery section and the dairy section share a space so after I got the yogurt I had to walk past all of their baked goods. Now, usually those things don't even tempt me. But. They had German Chocolate Cake. Oh, how I love German Chocolate Cake. I never get to make it because my Tommy doesn't like it.

I saw the chocolatey, coconutty goodness and took one step closer to it. Then in a moment of fleeting will power stepped away. Then took a side step before circling around the entire case. I ended up right back in front of the German Chocolate Cake slices and quickly grabbed one ... the tiniest one they had, set it in the seat of the cart, and quickly covered it with my purse lest anyone actually see me with it.

Now, there is something about Safeway's fountain soda that is just so good. So I filled me up a medium cup with plenty of ice and Mug root beer before heading out to the car.

Once in the car, I turned my radio up, rolled down my window and opened that beautiful chocolate masterpiece. Oh, the smell. So sweet. So chocolatey. So ... mine, all mine. I took my fork and and lifted the inciest of bites to my lips. Just as I was about to close my eyes and really savor that scrumptious bite, I saw someone out of the corner of eye. That someone was walking right for me.

Then that someone said, "You are so busted."

It was Curtis, from church. Curtis happened to be on the phone with his wife, Connie, and he said, "I just ran into Lisa in the Safeway parking lot, with no kids and she is eating German Chocolate cake ...and she is NOT washing it down with raw milk."

It was so funny. So funny. I really think that God granted me that moment of weakness just so I could enjoy the much needed laugh.

When I got home I told my Tommy who called Curtis so they could make fun of me together.

The worst part? It didn't even taste very good.